Did he know something more profound?

we accept the love we think we deserve.

nd tear-stained windowsills and pillowcases
I get dressed and go to work
bloody noses, red like roses pose as sanctuary
when I just need a minute t

unconscious
we employ our skills from underground
to seek what we've never seen
to explore, deep inside

the mornings greet me with grey days a

rs, I just can't think straight
turn in, fade, pass out
yet, in this simple way, we offer
to destroy all we can't figure out
in our simple lives,

red like roses- the velvet teen

each night I close my eyes and wonder what will come of me in days to follow
I lay awake and after countless hou

These polite games we play.

I don't even have a name for them, they're that familiar.

Yes yes, I know, you've got the time. and I .... I still feel like a fool.

but you, You don't know how to do anything but an asshole.

You still can sit there without a care.

and I still feel... embarrassed.

nothing changes, except time, which keeps on passing. These days entwine.

He can't go to sleep on these thoughts.

He still manages to wake up the next day.

I highly recommend:


DEXTER on showtime



True Blood on hbo



IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILIDEPHIA on fx

\\\ there's a price to be paid for dreaming.

So apparently I just need to write everything down. Things just go better that way. It's not that you can't say what you mean, because you can't string two thoughts together. It's that people don't want to hear what you have to say.

An Apology
A confession of feelings
A vision of honesty
All for a clean conscious?
Or to put things back to the way they were. Back to what felt right.

"I don't know what to tell you Jacen."

I hear that a lot.
I even said, " Yeah.... I hear that alot."

At first I mistake this for people just not wanting to talk to me. That was dumb. So over-analytical excuse to feel bad, to feel sorry for myself [yet again]. But that's not the case. And my god you just can't keep thinking that way, otherwise people aren't going to want to be around you because you just god damn whine to much. No one likes being around someone who is negative all the time. I know I don't.

Maybe its this place.

Maybe thats actually the way things have always been it just took you this long to realize it. Either way now you found out, it doesn't make it hurt any less. Doesn't make it any more convenient, and especially doesn't make it any easier.

When I would come to these points I would normally be crushed under its own weight, not wanting to know the truth. But I realize that's probably the way they feel. But what do I feel? No longer annoyed, no longer bothered. No more pain, no more guilt, and no more regret.

What you feel is nothing.
    Fucking nothing at all.

People don't like that, people don't understand that. And you will stick out and be misunderstood.
That can't happen. The last thing you need is more people paying closer attention to you. So what do you do?


You pretend.
Yes, that's right, you fake it.
If you pretend enough, sometimes it comes true, or at least seems like it anyways. That's how you get by. I don't know where to go from there just yet, but I'll let you know when I get there.

first day back at work.. first day re-merge back into society,,
blank slates / or / verified assumptions,,

what you miss in genuinely reciprocation when people say they missed you/\\ but they missed the idea of you.
not the you that you have come to know you,,,,,

you smile. you shake hands. you fit in,,,,,,l,,

,
,

and you pretend that everything is okay. .. .and then for a moment it is ., and you see the way to put everything right,. .. the way they should be.

but it slips away as you drown it out, and you stare into a lonely forgotten phone, and you want to write it out.



that's as far as I've gotten//

http://buggzero.phirebrush.com

When I have something more that I want to say to everyone, I will post, but for now my writings would only be twisted to indulge someone else. Without speaking to me. Without relief.

Wait what's this? Jacen updating his livejournal? Say it isn't so.

But it is. Why, I have no idea, I feel like it. Although Me and Keith's Blog is almost set to perfection, so from now on you might just see a lot of links to that. Because that is what is sounds like, when the freakin' doves cry.

I know a couple cops, you know, ol' wojohowiz? "WHO?" you know, old Wojo.

Where has he been, what has he seen? The opposite side of the world, some deep inner turmoil now flattened, sorted out, to be posted out? Maybe he found religion or some kind of solstice. Embraced new motivational life lessons. Unfortunately, none of the above.

What I have been up to is quite simple, Its elementary school logic. Where I've been and what I've done is the same as how in grade school you would spend the whole year waiting for summer vacation and when it finally came it would fly past you just like that. Spent less time fixing and more time speaking poetry of the streets. You become more amused by how the same 7 girls pose in the same ways for every company on internet advertisements, and spend less time wondering what everyone else is thinking about right now. Where they went, how it slipped past you.

As the prodigal children return, you can say its been quite a year. I mean, for a moment there, I felt like I couldn't sell ice water in the Sahara.

WHERE ITS AT:
A new issue of Phirebrush is up.
I don't have a cell phone anymore, and I don't miss it.
I'm starting a new design company so I never have to get fired again called Mirror Design.
Vince Guaraldi Trio is my latest musical fix as of late.
I can't drive, and my car doesn't work.
I'm writing a screenplay.
I watched this last nite.
I can't find my copies of this. Please send help or mp3's

Look you upon this picture
This is what I envy of everyone else.You can make time seem so important

life is not a succession of nows, its a drawing trickle of why should I's?

And I keep waking up wearing this same 'Bridges comma Chris' costume. This unwanted wig again. and again.
It's hard to have to keep moving with graveyard anchors tied round my ankles by chain. Every morning I wake up from a dream. Each Nite is a different version of the Apocalypse. Barred Barriers flake off with ash of burned walls and towers. It is now more than every I see the cost of distance, the validity of placement in shaped sentiments held longer by myself then the others, all simply from the lack of intrusion on a regulated sine wave to clairvoyance. Put it right in front of their eyes and be swallowed up in mediocrity. Put it in their ease and distort your own characture of where you'd want to be shelved and no position to ask for anything.
If that was not enough, beautiful mistakes tragicly linger in my path beckoning me to resurrect into a failed profile. All the love I should be offering will never be heard of or seen again. Fact it is for the present and near futures. I cannot look away from its myst and no hope of correcting it all.

I miss the chapters long past and weep for my purpose and trite meaning. There is no reason to make up for this now with anything less than honesty. I know this is my repetition and weak argument for self-pity. And I will let you down again.

Do you like me now? Do you like me now? Do you like me?

"I came up with a new game-show idea recently. It's called The Old Game. You got three old guys with loaded guns onstage. They look back at their lives, see who they were, what they accomplished, how close they came to realizing their dreams. The winner is the one who doesn't blow his brains out. He gets a refrigerator. "

im working, gettin paid, but i still can't drive
but i havent slept the past nite because of the vindictiveness of friends.
confidons.
I see tumbleweeds as closer companions here, and anyone worthwhile or remembers I exist is in california, or arizona.

FKN for may 5
we're not sure it's going to work but we're praying like hell.

over


out


see you guys in a post several months apart

If its one thing i cant stand, its traffic tickets.

My sister is retarded. Wont spot me for a speeding ticket i got on christmas, Who the hell gets traffic tickets on christmas, for ill i knew it was a wednesday and taco express was closed. 24 hour taco stand closed, Tyranny!

She told my littler brother that I was acting stupid.

So my littler brother askes me if i really am stupid. He is 7 now.

"I don't know- why can't you find out for yourself? Thats the problem with kids these days, LAZY!"

If I had money, i probably still would not pay said traffic violation. Colorado Cops are dick heads. When this one walked up and started saying how he smelled alcohol, I said, "I don't recall ordering a male stripper.. Huh? Johnny law, flat foot?"

Went to the therapist, put linux on my computer, ate a ruben sandwich, went on the computer, watched man on the moon.

It's not too often the days bleed into the next, and I have to find reasons to get out of bed, Most of these days I sleep pretty good, after finding some late night edited for tv film. Last night was rocky. Rocky had two turtles. "Cuff" and "Link" were there names, he kept them in separate bowls, and when he came home he put the bowls together so they could socialize.

Its been a long time cousin, but its good to be coming back around. I regretfully leave virginia, welcome florida, but still stranded colorado.

Tuesday's highlight was penny pitcher night at some cowbow bar. And oh yes, i did give the bartender a penny, I have plenty of those.

catching the hint of that wind again,
that this is some sort of sick joke,
a game that you weren't in on.

Another day another living someoneelses life
this coulndt have been mine could it?
everyday i dont let go of steering wheels
everyday you dont let go of the rail
everyday she keeps telling herself she's doing the right thing.

now im chopped up and left for the scraps.
still getting used
still being led on
still alone.
and useless
and tired
and saying the same things over again.

.
to add insult to injury, as of today i am unemployed.

thats number 2. for the whinejournal

no one cares anymore becuase its way way way way way too late but instead of double posting I wrote something new in my mymymyspace blog.


http://www.myspace.com/missingamnesiac

the end

again